Release is a skill many fisherman develop over a lifetime of fishing. When they are not depending on the fish to provide food, but only the momentary pleasure of their company, they learn to release, so that the fish can return to their life, and the fisherman can continue doing what he loves.
We as humans have to learn the art of release in other areas of our lives as well. We are called upon many times to release. Release guilt, release loved ones, release anger, release resentment, release the past...
When we learn the fine art of releasing, we can then move on to embrace the truth, embrace our loved ones, embrace our feelings, embrace others feelings, embrace the future.
The personality type that is most likely to resist learning how to release is one with low self esteem, dependent, seeking self worth through others, fault finding, judgmental, passive aggressive, smothering and likely to be disappointed a lot in other people around them.
Let's break these traits down:
When we have low self esteem, we tend to secretly agree with our critics. No matter how loud we may object, if we are secure in who we are, and what we are, other peoples words have little power over us emotionally. When we need others to build us up, we tend to be less likely to release the source of our validation. Even if their feedback is negative, you are in an endless pursuit to show them otherwise..
Dependent-
When we can not generate self worth on the inside we are often dependent on others to do it for us. Needing constant propping up in every instance where you are feeling vulnerable suggests you have failed to develop independence in your thinking, independence emotionally, independence physically, etc. We tend to grasp onto others that have all these qualities instead of developing them on our own.
Seeking self worth through others-
When you fail to find activities and interests that are yours alone, that do not require others to take an interest in or participate in you have the tools to find your own self worth. When every interest requires others to take an active participation and interest in or you won't pursue it, you will continually rely on others to make your feel of worth. We can say inwardly, "look at what I can do, this makes me special," when we have activities and character enhancing pursuits.
People are naturally drawn to those who have skills and interests and hobbies because inwardly, they have a sense of worth and accomplishment, they have independent interests, therefore they become interesting. When we do these independent things on our own, they become a part of who we are, and give us the ability to access value to our time, and ourselves.
We are not sitting idly by, we use our minds, our time wisely developing something externally and internally that we care about..and can share..and we did it without someone else. We can grow through these things. Ignore that these interests seem silly or mundane. Make them your specialty, your "thing" and it will become unique and special with time.
Fault finding-
The next trait that may need addressing being the "fault finder". When we find fault in others we are signaling their defenses. It's human nature to put up a fight and defend ourselves against accusations of any kind. The problem is, your assigning fault to another will trigger their defenses and often times it is not well taken. If we are going to make a habit of being a fault finder, we must learn to first look at ourselves and address honestly our behavior. For many fault finders, there is a need to level our aim onto the nearest victim and seek out their weaknesses and faults often as way to avoid looking into ourselves. So we resort to being the type of person to find many faults in others instead. It is far easier to blame others and their short comings for our own misery than to hold that mirror up and start with the person we see in its reflection. Because we tend to find fault in others we find we have to grasp all the harder to hold on to their love, and we are often blind to the damage we are doing. Release them of blame, and you will not need to grasp them to hold them near.
Are you a fault finder?
Ask yourself these questions:
Do you believe it's other people's fault you're not happy?
Do you find the ones that you blame are hard to please?
Do you have a hard time connecting emotionally with those you live with or depend on?
Do you feel you are being neglected and avoided?
Do your comments to others often turn into arguments?
Do you find you believe:
"I'd be a lot happier if he, they, she would...."
Judgmental-
Where we are fault finders, we are critics and critics are harsh judges of others. Criticism is also an avoidance of self truth. We always tend to criticize others for things we actually despise in ourselves privately. The truth is, criticism rarely helps anyone. Even yourself. Most people are programmed to throw up mental barriers at the first words of criticism, or resort immediately to defense mode after hearing the first negative word. All else said will be a blur and once their defenses are up, you have created anger that will hear no praise. Let go of harsh judgements. Try to understand their feelings, and release those harsh thoughts that only incite anger. It is a negative you simply don't need to introduce into a situation.
Passive aggressive-
Do you find yourself saying things you know may strike a nerve, because you are hurting and you feel you have no other defense? Perhaps you find you are always angering those around you and you're not sure why.. it could simply mean you are doing things that have a passive aggressive intention..you are never, never going to hurt another person as much as you will hurt yourself when you use passive aggressive means to defend yourself. Release that anger and act in kindness, even if it hurts...because the pain you'll feel is only ego deep...and will yield healthier results.
Smothering-
People who smother are desperate to feel smothered because they interpret it as an ultimate expression of love. Now, on the flipside, a smotherer will interpret being alone as "not being loved." To them, being alone is the ultimate stab through the heart, feeling neglected, and unloved. Being alone may frighten a smothering type of person because they are uncomfortable with themselves in general, so they tend to spot one life raft to hold onto. If a loved one happens to be the chosen life raft, they will in time succumb to the pressure of being someones "everything", which is often overwhelming since any attempt on your behalf to break free results in "you don't love me.." You can become trapped in an emotional prison, and your smotherer is your warden. When we smother, whether we believe it is intentionally or not is really of no importance. Once you are told you do this, you have to make efforts to "release"...a chained dog will always dream of freedom and often when they break free it is very hard to get them back on the chain, or even in the yard again. Human beings are the same way. Emotional and physical confinement is a noose around your loved ones neck. Forced attention, forced love is not love at all.
Disappointment in others-
Yes, you will find this to be the case again and again and again. Because if you have the above listed issues, you have set up circumstances in your life that make it nearly impossible to assure happiness. In your life, and the lives of those you love or share time and space with. It creates an atmosphere of unhappiness, and negativity.
So how do we reverse these issues? It takes many small steps to finally make a great leap. Every day, make a commitment to do self analysis. Listen to the words you are hearing around you. Listen to what isn't being said. Everything you need to do to reverse your situation is being delivered to you, once you allow yourself to open up to it. Our loved ones give us clues, our friends give us clues...but more importantly, become the person you want to be with.
Develop a list of traits you admire in others and then start making adjustments to your areas of weakness that can make you be what you admire. When you start to change, the world changes around you. Your positive permeates the environment you are in, and can be absorbed by others. Accept that you are responsible for your own happiness. Stop placing all of your happiness on others actions or inactions.
People will always fail to live up to your requirements when they realize you're relying on them more than you rely on yourself.
Become the interesting person you admire, be the loving person that enjoys being around you, give space to those you aim to keep near, and you will find many of the imbalances in your life, suddenly line up, and fall into place..it all begins with you, when you learn how to let go of yesterday, stop dwelling on past grievances, past arguments, past actions..there is only today.
Today who were you?
Which person were you today? When you describe your day, leave out everyone else. Omit phrases like he wont, she wont, they wont, I cant, they don't, she doesn't, he doesn't..these are all negative words that are giving others blame in your happiness and by default blame in your misery. Say I will, I can, I do. Instead of finding a cure in everyone else, find the cure within. Do positive things..by learning the fine art of "release..." let go..when the past is still being talked about, it never is the past, it is resurrected daily..to continue the harm..release it..release all the things that are keeping you from being that person everyone wants to be just like...
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